Sunday, January 29, 2012

I told you once...

That I would explain myself, so here I am explaining a few more things.

A lonnnngggggg time ago I disclosed part of my family history here.  As back then I told you that it was some pretty emotional stuff.  Just like then, I'll tell you now, if you can't handle it, by all means, there'll be no hard feelings if you move on and click that little red "X" at the upper right corner.  Should you however decide to stay, trolling and negative comments will not be tolerated.

As well I told you here that I would eventually when I was ready explain a few more things. All these things combined to make me 1,) the person I am today and B.) the person that has to forever deal with a weight issue.  As well as be in recovery of some sort.

I made mention in my former post that I was a recovering alcoholic.  While I never hit rock bottom, I asked once while I was doing a rotation at a facility that deals with rehab.  "If I am unable to drink just a drink or two...meaning I drink until the money is gone or until I'm drunk...does that make me an alcoholic?"  I asked of my clinical instructor?  With very wise eyes and a pat on the hand, she said "yes" and asked what happened.

I explained that I spent about 9 months lost and confused, wounded and grief stricken until I realized that it there was an actual name for it.  Grief.  By then I'd lost a good portion of my friends, and didn't know quite what to do.

She was unexpected at first, but by the time she arrived into the world, all that I wanted.  When she was gone, it was as if someone had turned off all the music and I was left to dance to tuneless jive.  She was in my life for all of nine hours, but has remained in my heart since.  There are some things that are just to painful to let go.  Even after all this time.

Her biodad was a scum sucking weasel piece of shit.  The Wonder One has been more of a father to her than any man could ever be expected to be.  If it weren't for him, honestly, I probably would not have survived the early years.  It's with grief and not knowing how to handle it that I gained even more weight.

Not knowing how to let go, drinking and the mourning that I've found myself recovering not just as an alcoholic but as a food addict as well because I just didn't know how else to comfort my raw nerves.  To be at such a loss and to try and turn to The Barnacle who also lost my two older brothers and could only tell me "you'll hear her crying in the night" (which I did) which was no source of comfort when what I needed was comfort the most.  Is it no wonder I'm frustrated and angry half the time with her?  When grammy was alive, I didn't know how to talk to her about the loss of her first born as well.  I wish I had, but then I'm afraid I would've gotten more of the same ineffective coping skills that had befallen The Barnacle.

So in the early days of her loss, it was easy enough to just grab a drink, after at that time, the drinking age was 19 and I had turned 21 on June 12th, the day after she died.  Seemed to easy to drink actually.  The the best thing ever to wander into my life a year later (thankfully I was sober enough at the time to recognize it) was The Wonder One and my history didn't terrify him and make him go screaming the other direction.  Then I realized if I want to keep this man in my life I needed to quit drinking like a fish.  So I did.  Just like that.  But then the eating began in earnest.  Since The Wonder One was a runner with a hollow leg, my weight gain began in earnest because it was then that I found that food didn't cause a hang over the next day like drinking did.....this was the start of a beautiful friendship!

So now, 20+ years later, here we are.

Working to get healthy.  Thankfully for a number of years now I've been happy and mentally well (some would argue otherwise) adjusted, but I think I'm doing much better now that I've got a firm grasp on what is going on in my life and what I've got and what I haven't.

It's just a matter of getting the health thing taken care of.

Because in the end.  That. Is the most important thing.


  1. proud of you...Fran

  2. Taylor has such an wise, awesome mommy! Thanks for sharing it sweetie. No telling how many lives you've touched. XOXOXO
    autoimmune maven

  3. Taylor is not of my blood, but truly my daughter, always and forever.
    I never met her, but I'll never forget her.