Getting to know me....may scare you (or at least small children)...

These are those pesky getting to know you questions that I got from another blogger whom I love and adore!

What was your favorite food when you were a child?  Spaghetti-O's with Meatballs

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?  3 Doors Down - Citizen Soldier

What is one of your favorite quotes? Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth Muhammad Ali

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity? 

Indoors? Mall Walking, Watching TV, Hanging out with family.

Outdoors?  Standing at the finish line cheering The Wonder One across it.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?  The dishes

What is your favorite form of exercise?  Walking, Water Aerobics

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?  Favorite day is Monday (long story), best time of day is when I get off work, favorite time of year is probably Spring when everything comes into bloom.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?  Flying

What is your favorite body part?  Legs

What sound do you love? The sound of a child laughing is the best sound ever!

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If… Questions
Hypothetical questions help you learn more about another person’s personality, as well as their ideal state of the world.

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for?  A garden tea party, warm summery day and it would be for no reason what-so-ever, just because I could!

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?  The gardens at my Great-grandmother's house.  They were full of roses, all sorts of them and just absolutely gorgeous when in full bloom.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be? 29

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?  Nothing.  Other than to make sure on a daily basis that I tell those I love and care about that I do.

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?  The Frenchie.  She's got a way of thinking (sharp and quirky) with a wicked sense of humor that can't be beat.  The one thing I've tried to learn from her is patience and timing.  I rush in where angels fear to follow I'm afraid.

If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?  To see a woman voted into the office of the presidency of the United States of America.  I think it would be just as incredible as watching Obama being sworn in.  I have to agree with Robin Williams when he said "With a woman as President there would be no more wars......just really intense negotiations every 28 days!" lol

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?  To tap dance

If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?  This one. On me.

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?  All the things I'm afraid to do.  Bungee jump, go on a cruise (it'd have to be a short one though) and skydive (although I'm not so afraid to try that one)

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?  I'd keep it the way it is.  I don't think any other name suits me quite so well as the one I have currently.

If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet?  There are so many!  Florence Nightingale for starters, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, President Obama, My grandparents on my dad's side. This is assuming that The Wonder One would be with me, I'd want to meet his grandparent's (on his mom's side) so that way he and I would both have the chance to have met all of our grandparents.

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?  Change my phone number to an unlisted number, hire a tax attorney, an accountant and THEN go claim my prize!

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?  A cat / Diet Pepsi / Caramel Sea Salt Gelatto

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?  Why did my daughter have to die?

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?  Wonder Woman of course! lol The invisible plane?  What girl wouldn't want to be her?

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Personal Questions
Asking personal questions gets right to the purpose of getting to know someone.

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for? *snorts with laughter*  None, however I get mistaken for everyfreakin'body else!

What do you want to be when you grow up?  1. A nurse 2. An actress 3. A teacher

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time? Get on Facebook, check e-mail and skip over to Temptalia to see what she's reviewing lately.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?  If It Were Easy Everyone Would Buy One...

What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?  Go over to the right along the side and click on playlist, pretty much any of those songs would be excellent for background music to my life, as for a true sound track, I would have to say it's a toss up between Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill and Alison Moyet's Raindancing, both CD's are amazing and really speak to a lot of the turmoil that I've faced over the years.

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Personal History Questions
Questions involving people’s past help give you insight into their character and background by revealing memorable moments from the person’s life.

Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best? My daughter dying.  When I see tragedies like Columbine, I can't bear the thought of my child dying like that.  At least with things the way they are, I don't have to worry.

What was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to? I remember getting there, I remember alcohol was involved, beyond that....

What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up? I cry at commercials if that tells you anything, lol so it's hard to nail down a specific movie, tv show or book.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Buried my daughter.

What was the last experience that made you a stronger person? Killing a co-worker with kindness.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble? Everything! Mostly it was climbing trees in my grandparents back yard.

When was the last time you had an amazing meal? Right now, The Wonder One made me waffles and turkey bacon.

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received? Best? There are so many... Worst? There are so many...

What do you miss most about being a kid? That's easy...my dad.  All the good and bad.

What is your first memory of being really excited? I wish I could remember but unfortunately a lot of my childhood I don't remember due to repressed memories.

What was the first thing you bought with your own money? Oh hell if I can remember back that far =(

When was the last time you were nervous? Two co-workers were in a screaming match, I was concerned as to whether or not there would be enough room for the 2 other witnesses and myself under my desk so that we could hide....just in case....

What is something you learned in the last week? I've learned 7 new things in the last week, hitch is, I can't remember any of them!  Dammit...

What story does your family always tell about you?  To be honest, my family doesn't talk much, so I really can't say that there IS a story to tell...

At what age did you become an adult? Who says I am one now?  I'll punch them in the nose!  It's a lascivious lie I tell you!!

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Random Questions
Random questions can be a great way to add some quirkiness to introductions or a conversation.

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate. It is, but I find silence to be golden.

Where’s Waldo?  Just north of Columbus actually.  Straight up 23, it's a small town but it's easy enough to find.  Never understood the big deal...

The best part of waking up is? Rolling over and going back to sleep.

How now brown cow? Gimme my chocolate milk you stingy wench!

Whasssssuuuupppppp? Really?  You're how old?

Something I discovered today along the way...

The Wonder One and I went walking today and I got 25 minutes logged.  YaY me!

The one amazing thing that I learned during my walk, well, make that two things I learned....

A. I learned that when having killer cramps, a good walk will help with the pain better than any pain killers I've tried (besides Vicodin of course!  Because let's face it, Vicodin is my friend....).  I mean seriously, I have cramps that would stop an elephant and leave him whimpering for his mommy in a pool of his own piss and vomit.  They are THAT bad.  I talked to the OB about a variety of different options, he felt they weren't right for me and felt the only right one is the pill he put me on.  Yet it does nothing for my cramps, which are still killing me.  Grrrrr.

Oh yeah, the other thing I learned during my walk today...

2.  I love walking at the mall.  The one where I go walking at is pretty easy.  You walk hugging the wall and do a lap on each level (there are two of them) and you've just completed a mile.  The thing that will motivate me to walk?  Looking at the gorgeous clothes as I pass by!  Apparently the show Mad Men on AMC is a raging success.  So much so that this spring is going to see an influx of design in fashion and beauty.  Estee Lauder has a couple of items inspired by the show as well as Banana Republic has this one dress....oh this one dress....but anyways, it is enough to get me to the mall to walk my butt off. 

If for no other reason than to have no more back breaking cramps and to see that dress.....funny odd note...when I went to find the dress for you all to drool over it as much as I did, lo and behold, it's not there!  You read that right, it's not on their website.  I scoured that site left, right and center to find that dress figuring if they are having it in the print campaign they very well can't be having just the men's clothing for sale and not the ladie's dress?  Right?  I dunno Cheerleaders.  Go take a look here and look for the man and woman and the dress I was drooling after was the cream colored boat necked dress with the sage green sash.  Don't wrinkle your nose just yet.  Wait till you see it!  It's gorgeous!

I told you once...

That I would explain myself, so here I am explaining a few more things.

A lonnnngggggg time ago I disclosed part of my family history here.  As back then I told you that it was some pretty emotional stuff.  Just like then, I'll tell you now, if you can't handle it, by all means, there'll be no hard feelings if you move on and click that little red "X" at the upper right corner.  Should you however decide to stay, trolling and negative comments will not be tolerated.

As well I told you here that I would eventually when I was ready explain a few more things. All these things combined to make me 1,) the person I am today and B.) the person that has to forever deal with a weight issue.  As well as be in recovery of some sort.

I made mention in my former post that I was a recovering alcoholic.  While I never hit rock bottom, I asked once while I was doing a rotation at a facility that deals with rehab.  "If I am unable to drink just a drink or two...meaning I drink until the money is gone or until I'm drunk...does that make me an alcoholic?"  I asked of my clinical instructor?  With very wise eyes and a pat on the hand, she said "yes" and asked what happened.

I explained that I spent about 9 months lost and confused, wounded and grief stricken until I realized that it there was an actual name for it.  Grief.  By then I'd lost a good portion of my friends, and didn't know quite what to do.

She was unexpected at first, but by the time she arrived into the world, all that I wanted.  When she was gone, it was as if someone had turned off all the music and I was left to dance to tuneless jive.  She was in my life for all of nine hours, but has remained in my heart since.  There are some things that are just to painful to let go.  Even after all this time.

Her biodad was a scum sucking weasel piece of shit.  The Wonder One has been more of a father to her than any man could ever be expected to be.  If it weren't for him, honestly, I probably would not have survived the early years.  It's with grief and not knowing how to handle it that I gained even more weight.

Not knowing how to let go, drinking and the mourning that I've found myself recovering not just as an alcoholic but as a food addict as well because I just didn't know how else to comfort my raw nerves.  To be at such a loss and to try and turn to The Barnacle who also lost my two older brothers and could only tell me "you'll hear her crying in the night" (which I did) which was no source of comfort when what I needed was comfort the most.  Is it no wonder I'm frustrated and angry half the time with her?  When grammy was alive, I didn't know how to talk to her about the loss of her first born as well.  I wish I had, but then I'm afraid I would've gotten more of the same ineffective coping skills that had befallen The Barnacle.

So in the early days of her loss, it was easy enough to just grab a drink, after at that time, the drinking age was 19 and I had turned 21 on June 12th, the day after she died.  Seemed to easy to drink actually.  The the best thing ever to wander into my life a year later (thankfully I was sober enough at the time to recognize it) was The Wonder One and my history didn't terrify him and make him go screaming the other direction.  Then I realized if I want to keep this man in my life I needed to quit drinking like a fish.  So I did.  Just like that.  But then the eating began in earnest.  Since The Wonder One was a runner with a hollow leg, my weight gain began in earnest because it was then that I found that food didn't cause a hang over the next day like drinking did.....this was the start of a beautiful friendship!

So now, 20+ years later, here we are.

Working to get healthy.  Thankfully for a number of years now I've been happy and mentally well (some would argue otherwise) adjusted, but I think I'm doing much better now that I've got a firm grasp on what is going on in my life and what I've got and what I haven't.

It's just a matter of getting the health thing taken care of.

Because in the end.  That. Is the most important thing.

Thursday Review...(yeah, I know it's Tuesday...)

However Cheerleaders, there is a means to my madness.

This is a long post but I think you might find it worth the read, just a heads up.

As you know when time permits I have a schedule that I try to stick to.  Things have been a bit wonky these past few weeks, however they should be settling down somewhat.  Except...

*Cue ominous sounding music*

The holidays...

Yes I said it.  Turkey day is coming up.  Which got me to thinking.  The holidays will be over and people will be wanting to lose what they've gained over them.   I've mentioned that I do Weight Watchers (Points Plus), but I've never done a review on it.  Yet I've never done a review on any of the diets that I've done.  Nor have I given my personal perspective of how it came to be that I decided to use WWPP and what other plans I looked at.  So let me start at the beginning.

Using a BMI calculator from the CDC (Center for Disease Control) I calculated my BMI and found that I was morbidly obese because my BMI was over 40. (To be exact it was 46.2, rather scary and alarming looking back on it now)  With a BMI of 46.2 I was morbidly obese and could have probably qualified for bariatric surgery.  I know of several people who've had it done.  I'm hoping I can get one of them to be a guest writer one day to write of her experience, but until I get the chance to approach her and we talk about it, that post will be for another time.  Mooooving on....

I did my research with regard to bariatric surgery and lap band surgery.  The thing that disturbed me the most in all of it was that two of the people that I know had some major complications and very nearly died.  As well, I was unable to find any long term studies to show long term results.  There were no findings to show that after 5 to 10 years those who've had surgical intervention kept off the weight they had lost.  To me, that was not an option.  I knew that once I'd worked so hard to get this weight off, I wanted it to stay off!  Don't think that just because you've had surgical intervention that it's not work neither!  Just ask anyone who's had it done, they can tell you.  It's still a battle.  I felt this wasn't a fit for me as I didn't have any life threatening medical conditions that required me to lose weight quickly (which most, not all lose weight quickly in the beginning then it slows down) and I felt that it was a permanent solution (cutting into my body) for a temporary problem (the excess weight which will be lost once I put forth the effort) because I know, I'll get this weight off, come hell or high water.  I know that for those that have had it done, they made the decision and did their own research very carefully and for them it was the right choice.  I applaud them for doing it, I support them in that endeavor.  I just couldn't personally make that decision for myself.  I know as well, for all of us, this journey we're on, this fight that we fight daily with our bodies to get it to do what we want, is a constant challenge.  There is no easy way and I'll fight with anyone who says that using a surgical intervention is the easy way out.

In the past I'd done WW, with little a little bit of success.  The last time was with the Points plan but in that incarnation, I felt it was a miserable plan and had no luck at all because even though I followed the plan to the letter, I didn't lose any weight.  I think I actually gained a pound or two.  Talk about frustrating!  So I was quickly a WW dropout (again).  Also it seemed to be that any time I'd been on WW I'd go to the meetings then I'd miss a week then the following week I'd have to pay for the week I'd missed, etc.  In that form of the plan, it really didn't suit me.

I'd also done the high-fiber cookie diet.  It's this super dense super high fiber cookie (the damn thing has 40% more fiber than rope!) that you eat before each meal with 8oz of water.  It blows up in your stomach, makes you feel queasy, then you run to the bathroom to blow out your butt.  While I had the cleanest colon on the west side of Columbus, I knew that this was not a long term solution as I hadn't learned to eat right and exercise, two things I had unlearned in order to gain all the weight.

I've done The South Beach Diet.  It's sort of like Atkins in that you have a "phase" where you limit your carb intake. Which if memory serves me correctly is 2 weeks.  Speaking of memory....seriously....anytime you have to seriously cut back your carbs like you do in any of these sorts of diets, it's a bad bad thing.  You NEED carbs for vital mental functioning.  If you don't have a balance between carbs and proteins your brain won't have anything to feed on and it gets all sorts of ugly.  I'm just saying.  You can only do it for so long.  If you've done an extreme low carb diet and you've felt that woozy light headed giddy feeling that's why.  It's your body's way of saying "Danger Will Robinson, Danger Will Robinson"  Then after that 2 week first phase you go into another phase (the length eludes me) and you stay on that for however long and the reigns loosen up somewhat however, not by much.  I say that because South Beach says that there are certain foods that you CANNOT eat!  I'm sorry, say what?  Say that again?  I cannot eat certain foods?  Wait a second, hold up, I cannot eat certain foods because why?  I mean it's one thing if I'm allergic to certain foods and I can't.  **Side note:  It was because of the South Beach Diet that I found out that I'm deathly allergic to shellfish so I guess that's a good thing.**  But to flat out tell me I can't eat something like.......pineapple.  Which by the way is one of my favorite fruits........that sent up warning signals.  While Queenie, who had done South Beach with her hubby (The Wonder One's brother) and met with great and amazing success had explained that it was due to the high sugar (i.e., carb) content, that is why it was forbidden.  I'll let Queenie comment on her end results and how she's done since being on the program in the comments section.

So then moving on to using some common sense and not really following a diet plan at all.  I did that for a few months as well, lost about 30 pounds.  Then over the course of time put it back on.  So I was back where I started plus 3 pounds at the end of April, beginning of May when The BFF mentioned going on WWPP because they had the new Points Plus, check it out for a week for free, what could it hurt?  So I decided to do it online and have The Wonder One and The Barnacle do it with me because we all needed to lose the excess weight that had been slowing us down and let's face it, misery loves company.

I have to say, since being back to WWPP, it's the longest I've stuck to a plan and I don't view it as a diet but a game plan to meet a goal.  It's livable, and workable.  When need be I take my scale with me (to family dinners to weigh out meats) and I make sure for those sorts of events there are plenty of things that I can eat that fit into my eating plan.  With The Wonder One having done the plan with me and lost his 57 pounds he understands what all this means because he's lived it.  I allow myself days off and plan for it because I know they're coming (such as Thanksgiving) and work them into my eating strategy.  When I know that I may over indulge I also try to work on a bit more cardio because that gains me a few more points for the week that I can use.  It's very flexible which I think is the key here.

Any extremes in any one direction or another in my opinion is a very bad thing.  When a diet plan tells you that all you have to eat is pounds upon pounds of bacon to lose weight, ask yourself......can my arteries take that kind of abuse?  Then when another plan tells you to give up something like fruit, something that's supposed to be good for you (yes, I know it's got a high sugar content) guess what ends up happening when you can't have it at all?  You are a glutton for it.  Since being on WWPP, I've had pineapple MAYBE a half dozen times, but it's been fresh, not from the can.  I can take a certain amount of pleasure in that.

I don't want to feel guilt for eating something I enjoy.

Do you?


I honestly can't recommend WWPP enough, if it's something that can work for you.  If  you enjoy grazing, it probably won't work for you if you don't like grazing on fruits and vegetables.  The BFF hates fruits & vegetables so WWPP ended up not working out for her.  Pity because if she'd tried working on that disdain for the fruits & veggies I think she would've had a better time of it.

Just to let you know...

After this past weekends post, I did make it into the doctor's office this afternoon.  It was with no surprise they had me get on the scale.

What was the surprise was that since last Wednesday, I am down to 249.5! My mouth hung open, a little string of drool started to slide out and the medical assistant came over and knocked into me to tell me to gather myself up.

I jumped off to run out to the front office to tell them what I weighed.  The office manager, the doctors' wife and I all three probably looked like to any stranger walking by who happened to look in the window, three women having seizures, but I can assure you, we were three women doing the happy dance!

All I could do and say to them was that I have not weighed that in probably 10, maybe 15 or more years!

And just think.........this isn't even the official weigh in day!

I wonder what Wednesday will bring?

Hey Cheerleaders!

No I didn't forget where my computer was...


Last week I had family in from out of town and went a bit astray.

Soooo I wasn't a big fat loser this week. 

But!

I didn't gain neither which is nice.


One night in particular I went off the deep end of the diet.....


Well.......


Let's just say, I ordered my vegetarian Mexican cheese and onion enchilada but by the time it got to the table I was so provoked and frustrated that I ended up getting a nice ice cold one of these...

It was draft, tall and really quite BIG and with the lime......rather tasty.  By the time it was done, I was nice and settled and told I had a nice glow about me.  lol  Hell, by the time I was done, I didn't care any longer why it was that I was pissed off because I was going home and was no longer going to be around the person who put me in the funk I was in.  Dos Equis is a beautiful thing I've come to believe!


Although, I do have to admit cheerleaders, I am in need of your help a bit more now than ever before.

The Wonder One hit his goal weight a few weeks back and I realized that I'm now doing this alone.  I'm not doing this so much with someone like I was when he and I were doing it together.  Kinda changes things a bit.  Kinda bums me out a bit.  That's where you come in.  I need to hear a little bit from ya, let me know you're there.  Breathe heavy if you have to, cough, do something to let me know you're there.

That way I don't feel so alone in this.


Otherwise, it'll get a bit lonesome and frustrating.

We can't have that now can we?

Nahhhhhhh, didn't think so!

Thanks!  I knew you could do it!

Now that everything is back to quasi-normal around here, posting should resume as it was before with posts being what they were.  So just bear with me and you'll get your reviews on Thursdays, Playlists on Fridays, etc.

Oh yeah and by the way....

The Wonder One and I found the coolest thing at Sears...

We're going to go and get a stationary bike!  We're going to put it in the livingroom so that the barnacle can try to swing a leg over it (hey, now, stifle the laughter) and get on and ride it.  We'll all take turns on it upstairs.  It's a nice little machine.  Now that Sears is doing lay-a-way again, we're able to utilize that feature without putting it on our credit card (saving on finance charges and all) and having something to look forward to!  I'm rather chuffed!  I can't wait.  I'm just looking forward to seeing if the barnacle can get on it.  And yes I have to admit I am trying to stifle a laugh....

Filling in some gaps...(a family history lesson)

***Warning***

This post is of a very personal nature.  If you feel you cannot handle it, please feel free to move on and there'll be no hard feelings.  Of this I promise.  However, please note, this is why comments are monitored/screened before being posted.  Any one that feels the need to be hateful or hurtful in leaving their comments they can just go ahead and click the little red x up at the top right hand side of your screen now.

Thank you.


Yesterdays post was to explain some of my self loathing.  How it came to be that I let food be my source of comfort.  How it is now that I have to look at it as a means to fuel my body and to some extent as a poison.  Given what it can do to me, food isn't always a good thing, what it has done to my health and where I'm trying to recover from it is a long arduous process. 

It's only now that as an adult I can look back and see where a lot of my poor eating habits began.  I'm not blaming any one person.  After all, no one held the fork to my mouth and the gun to my head.  It's with open eyes and a clear head and a mended heart I can look back on all the self destruction and see where I fell short and did so much damage to myself in an effort to soothe a broken soul.

When you're 7, 8 years old and moving into a new neighborhood and you're the new kid on the block and don't know anyone, you are the kid that is going to walk around with that bulls eye on your back.  I didn't know I had it there, but it was there none the less.  (Due to all the moving and evictions/homelessness, there are few pictures of me at this age but I'm certain I don't look much different than the picture I posted yesterday, where I'm approximately 4 or 5 years old)  As you can see, I was a normal kid.  Maybe even a wee bit on the scrawny side.  At that time, it was about the time my parents had just split up, the barnacle living on her own for the first time in her life.  She'd gone from her parents house to the Army to her first husband's home then to be divorced, then to live with my dad, and now, here we are.  At 32/33 years old, she had no clue what she was doing.  (Probably explains why now at 71, she acts the way she does.)  It was then that I started spending the weekends with my grandparents who were the barnacles mother and step-father.  That's when I learned a different means to showing you loved someone. 

Grandma would fix dinner and if there were just the slightest little bit left over, "oh you get that last little bit and eat it so I don't have to wrap it up and put it in the fridge" was usually what I would hear.  Every meal, every time.  If she made something that I refused to eat, instead of me going hungry (which let's face it, most kids wouldn't hurt them to learn to suffer through a meal or two...after all liver is so good for you) my grandmother would go to KFC for my dinner.  There were only two meals I refused to eat, liver & onions and beans & ham hocks (with them being "country folk" they ate it a lot) .   **please ignore any gagging sounds you may hear**

While grandma was showing me she loved me, her second husband was too.  Since they had gotten married many many years before I was born, he'd always been there.  He was always my "grandfather".  It was, what it was.  It wasn't until I was about 12 or so when I realized that grandpa's just aren't supposed to show they love their granddaughters they love them like that.  I stood up to him and that was the end of it.  Grandma caught him once, beat the ever loving shit out of him.  Yet she never left him for it.  She was of that generation where you stood by your man no matter what.

Many years later I confronted both of them.  In their way they both sought forgiveness.  I forgave.

If I hadn't, wouldn't I be no better than him when he was committing his sin?

When my father came back into the picture and stirred up the self loathing just a bit more, at that time I didn't know or realize that I even was capable of loathing myself, I just took it for what it was.  Just one more way that the men in my life told me they cared about me.  The Wonder One was the exception to that rule.  Thankfully.  I'd probably be insane by now otherwise, lol.  That's one of the reasons he is my Wonder One, in spite of all of this, he loves me anyway.

I did get to spend time with my father and get to know him some.  When I wanted to go to nursing school he told someone "I don't know why she's pursuing this, she never finishes what she starts."   I did have to drop out of nursing school the first time around because he died.  He died from a massive heart attack two days before my birthday, a week into school. Funny part in all this is, I didn't know he said that until graduation day when I went back and finished nursing school the second time around.  At my commencement ceremony I took part and gave a speech about the lighting of the lamp of knowledge and Florence Nightingale. 

My only regret was that he wasn't there to see me finish.

That's why all of this is so important to me, getting the weight off (so I can get healthy...he was 52 when he died, I'm only 45 I don't want to go out that way), figuring out how and why I got to be this big...get rid of the mental baggage as it were so that I won't put the weight back on (hence the blog)....and hopefully in the end, if I can help someone else through my process with theirs, then I've done my job not once, but twice.

I share this with you, not because it's some sort of big deal, because it's not, there are people who've been through worse, but because you too may have been through your share of shit and think that you're the only one.  I'm here to tell you, you aren't.  The one thing I've had to learn in all this is to let it all go and stay in the past instead of follow me about and hang on my neck like a huge weight.  If I don't shed this self loathing and guilt for self perceived things I've done wrong, when will I be able to get things right?  At some point it's all got to go.

Right now, oddly enough, I've got to go, I've got to go eat, I've spent the morning writing this and now I'm starving!

Talk soon!

Hugs & Toodles

Filling in some gaps...(a family history lesson)

***Warning***

 This post is of a very personal nature.  If you feel you cannot handle it, please feel free to move on and there'll be no hard feelings.  Of this I promise.  However, please note, this is why comments are monitored/screened before being posted.  Any one that feels the need to be hateful or hurtful in leaving their comments they can just go ahead and click the little red x up at the top right hand side of your screen now. 

Thank you.


A while back while posting a playlist I made mention that I would explain why it is that I loved certain songs (specifically those that speak of empowerment, particularly female empowerment), at that time, I said that I'd explain later.  I think now is later and is a good time to go into why I take those sorts of songs rather personally.

When I was a kid my parents got divorced when I was 6 or so.  My father disappeared when I was nearly 8.  Over the years I made many attempts to try and find him, always getting close, yet never close enough.  When I'd ask the barnacle why it was they got divorced, she'd tell me "he got my best friend pregnant and he had to marry her."  Keep in mind this was back in the early 70's, a time when divorce wasn't as commonplace as it is today.  Even still to a 9 year old, this didn't make much sense.  He had me, why would he just up and leave me?  I could never figure it out.  I was daddy's little girl.  I only have one picture of us as a family and even at that my older cousin is in it.  I don't talk much to her unfortunately, she's basically on the other side of the country and at that we've hardly a thing in common.  Yet we've a few family pictures we're in.

Dad, Me, The Barnacle & Cousin

I'm the little one that's got the "chicken legs" as my dad would say, lol.  So going on, growing up with the barnacle, yes that's her in the photo above.  The 1.0 version of her.  I dare not post a 2.0 version, firstly I don't think I have a current photo and lastly I don't think your monitor would be wide enough for the image.

Anyway, moving on, she would tell me that he got my step-monster pregnant and that's why he took off, so I promised myself...."Self, if ever you meet up with your Dad again, find out why he left". 

That's just what I did.

I always said that if ever my Dad wanted to try and find me he would and how he would do it if he were a smart man would be to send a letter to my grandmother (the barnacle's mother) and she'd forward it to me.  Which is exactly what he did.

I got that letter 3 weeks before my 25th birthday.  I sent him a letter overnight postal to call me, collect if need be, the number and photos of my wedding day.

The Wonder One and Me (age 23)

I got the letter on a Friday, sent it out that very day and he got it on a Saturday, called me that afternoon from California.  We talked for quite a while.  First thing I asked him that I promised myself that I would, oh so many years before..."Why did you and mom split up?"  Very clearly he stated and I can remember this to this day, "Because your mother cannot keep house to save her life."  Well, having lived with the barnacle, I knew he wasn't lying.  There was more to the story than that, but that's the nutshell version.

He asked about The Wonder One, I bragged about what a wonderful man he was.  My dad replied, "Well that's good, it's a good thing you've got a good man and that you've got a good head on your shoulders, because, well, let's face it, you're not the prettiest gal in the world."  Yep, he was looking at my wedding pictures that I had sent him.  There were not words to tell you how gutted and devastated I was to hear these words come out of his mouth.

For every girl growing up, it's a pretty much drawn conclusion that the first man she falls in love with (if he's in the picture that is) is her father.  To hear such a criticism come from the one person you place on such a lofty pedestal...well, to say the least, it brings everything you thought you knew about yourself crashing down around you.  I'm realistic, I know I'm never going to compete for some cover of a magazine and win, but I'm also not ugly enough to scare some troll out from under his bridge either.  So to hear something like that from the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally is gut wrenching.

That's why songs from Christina Aguilera (Beautiful) and Pink (F'in Perfect) hit so close to home for me.  It's hard to hear that you aren't these things without it becoming ingrained and you start to believe it.  Some things have to be unlearned.  Sometimes you need the help of people who don't even know you exsist, just so that you can.

Story of my life....

As many people do, when growing up, they want to be all sorts of things.  I wanted to be an actress, teacher, nurse (which I ended up becoming) a photographer and the list continues.  As we go through life we find that when we attain those goals, either the job/career we've always wanted wasn't what we thought it was going to be for whatever the reason or it just didn't live up to our expectations.  Be it that society makes it to be that you'll be held to a higher esteem because you ARE that <fill in the blank here> or because you've actually done something with that job/career.  No matter how hard you work at your job and the pride you take in it, something always seems to be ....missing.

When I was seven I was asked what did I want to be when I grew up.  I made the aforementioned list.  The one thing on that list I actually achieved was to be a nurse.  Granted, it was a late in life decision.  It was a change from one career to another.  But, I finally got it done.  It wasn't a graceful transition from one path to the other, more of a stumble, catch myself as I started to fall in midair kind of thing, pull myself back up and look around to make sure no one was looking sort of klutzy kind of move.  But it was a move none-the-less.

 Once I graduated, I found that nursing wasn't the glamorous job the recruiter made it out to be.  Coming home from work covered in feces' I'd started plotting his demise realizing that I could make it look like a natural death now, but then I'd also realized that I'd taken an oath to cause no harm....I'd painted myself into a corner.

Dammit.  Back to square one.


"What in the hell did I want to be when I grow up"....I thought to myself at the age of 41.  Even now, a few years later, I still don't know, but at least I'm doing something that I haven't always.

The whole time growing up, I'd get wrapped up in the newest latest thing that would catch my attention and the nano second I'd get bored or something would happen (whatever that was), I was onto the next thing.  That's sort of how nursing evolved.  I started nursing school, my dad died the very first week of school.  Literally, I started on Monday, he was dead of a heart attack by Friday at the age of 52.  Just 7 years older than I am now.  Hence why I've gotten so serious lately about my eating and exercising (see.....now it's starting to make sense...the sickly barnacle, dead young dad...I don't want that for me...I want to live a long time to nag the wonder one...gotta have a hobby in my rocker!).  I took his death very hard because I was always a daddy's girl.  God only knows why, because I don't.  But I did take his death hard.  So when he died, I dropped out of nursing school.  Just like high school.  I got bored with high school.  Eventually I got my GED.  I had to because I was in College trying to get my associate's degree to become  a paralegal but during my intership I had this attorney who was freaking nuts....needless to say I left the program because of it.  Never finished.  Are you starting to see a pattern here?  I would start a lot of things but then never finish.  Well, I finally hit a point where I needed to start wrapping things up.  I got my GED.  That was done.  I did go back and become a nurse.  That was done.  Last week when I was off from exercising because I wasn't feeling good I was looking at my life and wondering..."Why am I sick and tired?"  Am I enjoying being a nurse?  Not always.  With working on my eating and exercising and wrapping up lose ends, I got to thinking about that Associates Degree.  I was only six months away from graduation.  I was stupid.

Very.  Stupid.

So I'm going tomorrow to talk to the school about finishing up.  What the hell?  What have I got to lose?  I've got the time on my hands to wrap this one up.  They can help me find a job, I can still be a nurse and utilize that in a job as a paralegal.  What the hell, why not?  I may find something that'll make me all that much more happier and bring all this up together in a bright and happy shiny package.  Maybe then I can quit being so freaking sick and tired all the time.

Then I can take some pride in finishing something I've started.  Oh wait.  I'll have finished all that I've started.

Except hitting my goal weight.

**UPDATE** Well I went and talked to the school.  It was a farce.  Seriously.  They didn't even have me listed in the correct major from when I was there before.  SOOooooooo all that's to be said is that I plan on sucking it up.  I AM going to finish that up.  I AM going to get that paralegal education finished.  Just not at that *cough cough* institution of higher learning.   I'll be going to a place that I know, that I like and where I'm comfortable.  Where their program won't take two years (that's what's so farcical about the other "school" the one I was enrolled in previously where I was so closed to graduating....it was going to take me two years of going to school, full time, four quarters a year to get it done.  At $324 dollars a credit HOUR...not a class but a credit hour and a class could be up to three to four credit HOURS a piece!  When you're done choking on that, figure this one...where I WILL be going...classes are $96 a credit hour and I should be done in roughly six quarters or so.)  it may be two years but I doubt it.  Locally things educationally are changing from quarters to semesters so it's hard to say what'll happen.  But all in all, given the sheer dollar amount alone, I just have to say thanks for your time but no thanks for the "education".

We've got progress!!! Yesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so the numbers haven't changed. BUT! What we do have is a change in how the clothes are fitting.

Last night when getting dressed for work I wore jeans which I've not done for probably a month, month and a half at LEAST because it's been so flippin' hot this summer.  I've been wearing shorts and the like and not bothering to get anywhere near jeans.  So last night I got into my jeans that I bought this spring.  Now keep in mind when I bought these jeans, they fit.  They weren't snug or tight or anything.  They fit perfectly.  The way a pair good pair of jeans should fit.  I was happy with them. 

When I put them on I looked down and thought to myself "hmmm, these seem a bit roomy" and really didn't think much more beyond that.

Then I get to work and start to move around in them and realize just how roomy they are.....!!!!

I yelp for the might midget "You've gotta see this!!"  Needless to say, she was impressed too!  I think we both could've gotten into my jeans, lol.  Over these past few months I've been told that people can see the changes even when I can't.  The wonder one says he can see it.  I can't.  When I got home this morning from work, I asked him to cut me out of my makeshift belt.  He looked at me quizzically.  I lifted my shirt to reveal a trick he taught me.  I had taken a clean trash bag and woven it into my belt loops and tied it so that it pulled everything together to keep my jeans up so that they would stop falling down. 

My only other option was to take the belt loops and pull them up over my ears and wear them like a new pair of earrings!

Kinda learned something I didn't know I learned...

So the vibrant brusher is always finding the yummies as we saw in my last post.  I soooo wanted to try that ice cream she was tormenting me with and I had decided not to.  Well, on Thursday night I went out to dinner with the BFF and we had a long painful chat and I made a few self discoveries that I really can't go into now, but let's just say, it was rough.  I needed comforting.  Yes, my morale didn't care about the beating that it had just taken the week before.  My feelings needed consoling, and they needed consoling NOW.  I reverted to old bad habits or is that bad old habits?

Anyways...

On the way home from seeing the BFF I decided that I was going to have me a pint of that Ben & Jerry's Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream.  Yes, I did it.  I went and had a pint of the diet crushing yummy nerve soothing delight.  I ate it slowly making sure to savor it and enjoy it.  Not once berating myself for my weakness in caving in and getting it.  I had decided I was going to have it because to focus on it and dwell on it was only going to make the desire for it worse.  Then when I finally would come to have some, it would only be ten times the guilt and shame.  Turns out, it was good.  I'm glad I had it when I did, because had I waited I would've built it up in my mind to be this fantastical, mystical thing that I wouldn't have been able to live without and then would've been so let down by.  As it was, it was just good and now that I've had it, I've had it.  I probably won't be revisiting it. 

And I'm not beating myself up over it either.  That's something new too.  Used to be that when I had a stumble I'd berate myself and really have a go at myself.  Making my faux pas just that much worse.   Instead, in this instance where I've come to accept it for what it is, I've moved on and regained my footing immediately, I'm good.  In times past I'd just say to myself  "Screw it, what's the point?".  Not so much this time.  I'm not sure exactly what the difference is this time around is, but I'm glad for it.

This time around feels better, I feel better.  More sure about what I'm doing.

I'll get there.  Eventually.  It doesn't have to be tomorrow.

I can live with the day after.

I could've gone all day without hearing this...

A dear old friend of mine (not that she's old, just that in the longevity of friends, she's been a friend for a long while, like the frenchie has) sends me a message.  She says:

"Love your blog! I know we were not in touch when I went through my weight battle (and still it goes on...it's never ending btw)....please know I'm here for ya! Cheering from north of the border :) Keep up the good work babe"

...And still it goes on...it's never ending btw....*THUD*.....the darby one doesn't know that she's thrown me into a fit of depression!  And a mild concussion and a headache, because now I'm getting my exercise slamming my head against the desk!  While the reasonable side of me knows that this will be an ongoing battle.  Because I see her (who was once a thick girl ~~ I never saw her as being fat, just *chunky* seriously, she never was, she lost some mad weight and now looks slammin'! She even went on to join the fire department!  That's how good she did!) now and think..."the darby one did it, but can I really do it?" 

The darby one lets me know that she too is in my cheering section and that I can do, I just have to keep plowing through.  She too had issues with the heat or more to the point she states that "I too am retaining water like a camel ready for a journey across the Sahara!"  Well, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that can be used right now as a floatation device!

Yep, that's one of many of my cheering section.  Getting me to laugh and to see that I'm not the only one to battle this alone.

But still I could've gone blissfully ignorant and in denial for a little while longer not knowing it would be a constant struggle!! lol

So here I am...

You know how you have your demons.  Come on, admit it, you have at least one.  Most likely two.  No, I'm not talking your children.  I'm talking those "things" that float about you, those "voices" that either keep you from doing what you have always wanted to do.  Or compels you to do what you do and you don't even realize it.  Yep, I have one.  It's seventy years old and sits on my living-room sofa.  She's often referred to as the barnacle, the monitor (as in the phone monitor because she'll hover over the phone to see who calls) and other sordid names, that as a family based reading material, I'm just not all that comfortable divulging right now.  Most notably however, this particular demon, is my mom.  At 4'11" and currently 247 pounds, she's at her lowest weight in we don't know how many years.  With long-term health issues ranging the gamut from diabetes to gout (note: women typically don't get gout, men do.  Men usually get it in their big toe.  She got it in her pointer finger...go figure) and everything in between, most of it life threatening and weight related...also hereditary, my little demon has passed onto me some genes from the shallow end of the gene pool I'd just as well rather not wade in.  But alas, I must deal with the hand I am dealt.

To make that gene pool just that much more shallow, my father died from a heart attack at the to young age of 52 after having had a stroke just 4 months earlier.  He had a plethra  of health issues as well, most notably diabetes, and well, hypertension.  So when it comes to the gene pool of life, I really did get the shallow end.

As it stands, I've never been a thin woman.  I was a skinny kid however, growing up an only child to a single mother (my parents divorced when I was 7) I spent a lot of time over at my grandparents home.  Not that that is a bad thing, it's just that my grandmother, "grammy" showed she loved you by having you "eat, eat...don't let that go to waste"  and if you didn't...lord help you and the guilt she would lay upon your shoulders!  She meant well, she just did my hips no favors later in life!  So as time progressed, my weight crept up, never really becoming an issue.  After all, it was "baby weight".  Can I ask you this...when do you become to old to have baby weight?  Then after you give birth, when is it to long to blame the baby for the extra poundage you put on?  Baby weight has a shelf life of 2 years, MAX.  Then you need to accept it and move on.  Wrestle that demon, pin it, claim that 3 count and win the round.  Otherwise you will never move forward.

I'm just sayin.

These are the sorts of things I'm dealing with on a daily basis as I try to get healthy. 

So a few months ago, I have the barnacle at the doctor's office.  "Well, Mrs. Barnacle, what is it that will make you happy"  You can just imagine....(I swore she was going to say a jelly doughnut) she says "Well, I know that I can't breathe well (DUH) and I figure that if I took some of the weight off it would help (ya think?) and I know that would make me happy (really?), so, yeah, that would make me happy."  Oh, I was surprised by this revelation I tell ya.  I had no idea.  She goes on to say that she neeeeeeds Weight Watchers because she can't do it on her own.  She doesn't know how.  I point out to her, that Weight Watchers doesn't do it for her, they give her the tools so that she can do it for herself.  After all, she was the one to put the jelly doughnut in her mouth.  She's got to be the one to take the weight off. 

What I discovered about the barnacle in all this.  She doesn't want the accountability.  She doesn't want to have to work to get the weight off. 

What I learned about myself in all this.  I didn't either.  YIKES!

That was a revelation!

So I joined Weight Watchers.  I'm doing it online.  In the beginning I had my husband and the barnacle doing it with me.  Nearly 10 weeks later, the hubby is still hanging in there.  The barnacle dropped out about a nano second after starting.

When she realized there was some accountability.

I'm still hanging strong.  Even with having to have some accountability.  Turns out I do NOT want to be like the barnacle.  The hubby says...THANK GOD! lol

So that's how this started.

If it were easy, everyone would buy it.  So now, I have to work for it.  Every day I have to keep reminding myself that.  When it gets tough, do me a favor?  Remind me too?