Monday, January 30, 2012

Funny Monday

Start your week off with a good laugh...

Now go get the word out!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sunday Progress Pic

So I wanted to see how I was progressing along.  Like many women who are big when the camera comes out we go into hiding.  There is the random odd shot of us trying to make ourselves as small as humanly possible, but not to many of us showing ourselves in all our big butted glory.

Well I'm going to change that.  Should've changed that a long time ago.  I didn't.  Can't change that now, not going to kick myself for it, just going to go forward for it.

So let me show you what I look like right now at 242 (roughly, got on the scale the other day and the scale said I was 240 but it's unofficial so we're sticking with the last official weigh in numbers, lol).  Now the jeans I'm wearing are old and were at one time skin tight on me and they currently fit me fine (little loose in the caboose, but I'll take it! better to fit like mom jeans now and get me through...) and the top is a wee bit big, given how bottom heavy I am....I can live with that.

This is what I call a transition outfit.  An outfit that I feel comfortable in to go out in public in.  Something that the top has enough interest (with the neckline) that I don't need anything else in the way of accessories and I don't feel self conscience about how I look because the clothes aren't that big just yet (give it a few more pounds and I will be).

Hope this helps.

242 pounds

I told you once...

That I would explain myself, so here I am explaining a few more things.

A lonnnngggggg time ago I disclosed part of my family history here.  As back then I told you that it was some pretty emotional stuff.  Just like then, I'll tell you now, if you can't handle it, by all means, there'll be no hard feelings if you move on and click that little red "X" at the upper right corner.  Should you however decide to stay, trolling and negative comments will not be tolerated.

As well I told you here that I would eventually when I was ready explain a few more things. All these things combined to make me 1,) the person I am today and B.) the person that has to forever deal with a weight issue.  As well as be in recovery of some sort.

I made mention in my former post that I was a recovering alcoholic.  While I never hit rock bottom, I asked once while I was doing a rotation at a facility that deals with rehab.  "If I am unable to drink just a drink or two...meaning I drink until the money is gone or until I'm drunk...does that make me an alcoholic?"  I asked of my clinical instructor?  With very wise eyes and a pat on the hand, she said "yes" and asked what happened.

I explained that I spent about 9 months lost and confused, wounded and grief stricken until I realized that it there was an actual name for it.  Grief.  By then I'd lost a good portion of my friends, and didn't know quite what to do.

She was unexpected at first, but by the time she arrived into the world, all that I wanted.  When she was gone, it was as if someone had turned off all the music and I was left to dance to tuneless jive.  She was in my life for all of nine hours, but has remained in my heart since.  There are some things that are just to painful to let go.  Even after all this time.

Her biodad was a scum sucking weasel piece of shit.  The Wonder One has been more of a father to her than any man could ever be expected to be.  If it weren't for him, honestly, I probably would not have survived the early years.  It's with grief and not knowing how to handle it that I gained even more weight.

Not knowing how to let go, drinking and the mourning that I've found myself recovering not just as an alcoholic but as a food addict as well because I just didn't know how else to comfort my raw nerves.  To be at such a loss and to try and turn to The Barnacle who also lost my two older brothers and could only tell me "you'll hear her crying in the night" (which I did) which was no source of comfort when what I needed was comfort the most.  Is it no wonder I'm frustrated and angry half the time with her?  When grammy was alive, I didn't know how to talk to her about the loss of her first born as well.  I wish I had, but then I'm afraid I would've gotten more of the same ineffective coping skills that had befallen The Barnacle.

So in the early days of her loss, it was easy enough to just grab a drink, after at that time, the drinking age was 19 and I had turned 21 on June 12th, the day after she died.  Seemed to easy to drink actually.  The the best thing ever to wander into my life a year later (thankfully I was sober enough at the time to recognize it) was The Wonder One and my history didn't terrify him and make him go screaming the other direction.  Then I realized if I want to keep this man in my life I needed to quit drinking like a fish.  So I did.  Just like that.  But then the eating began in earnest.  Since The Wonder One was a runner with a hollow leg, my weight gain began in earnest because it was then that I found that food didn't cause a hang over the next day like drinking did.....this was the start of a beautiful friendship!

So now, 20+ years later, here we are.

Working to get healthy.  Thankfully for a number of years now I've been happy and mentally well (some would argue otherwise) adjusted, but I think I'm doing much better now that I've got a firm grasp on what is going on in my life and what I've got and what I haven't.

It's just a matter of getting the health thing taken care of.

Because in the end.  That. Is the most important thing.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Blasting in my ears right now...

Blasting joyously in my ears this week is fun stuff from the early years of The Wonder One and my marriage as well as from early high school.  There are just some things that score high marks because they are fun to bounce around to and fling your hair to!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Thursday Review...

I'm always looking for ways to add variety to things that can become rather boring over time.  The Wonder One and I drink a LOT of soda and sometimes, it's just nice to have a little flavor.  So when I want to flavor it up, I grab a DaVinci Gourmet Zero Calorie Cherry Syrup (read that to be sugar free).

The nice thing about these syrups is that they have zero calories and they are sweetened with  Splenda, so when every calorie and chemical you put into your body counts, this is a nice tasty treat to add to pretty much anything you want to flavor, be it your soda or to drizzle on top of your ice cream!   Granted if you do drizzle it onto your ice cream it'll be a wee bit runny, because it's not that viscous, but let's face it, it's the flavor we're after with no added calories. lol

I found it at the Wbox of a store for $2 and some change in the same aisle as the coffees and teas and they've got a nice little assortment of flavors to choose from, Cherry was just the first one that was handy.  I also have White Chocolate and Amaretto (both Sugar Free) and both are just as yummy.  From what I can tell there isn't anything in them that stands out for anyone with food allergies, however if you've got food allergies to artificial food coloring or artificial sweeteners, then you'll have to give this a pass, but if you don't then by all means, look this up!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It's Wednesday...

So today was filled with emotion as I walked my naked butt down to the scale and The Wonder One followed behind to squat down to verify (because let's face it, I can't see that far away, the little slashes all start blending together) what the scale was actually saying.

The first reading was what it was but then when I stepped off the scale slipped out of calibration which it sometimes does so I turned the little knob to put it back to zero.  Got back on.  I wasn't going to be hopping on and off this damn thing all day.  While I admit it was going to be good exercise for my body, it wasn't going to be for my nerves...

So The Wonder One squat back down and squinted (I swear I'm getting that man into a pair of glasses if it KILLS him!....note, NOT me!)  and he turned to look up at me and smiled.

242!!!  "Isn't that your lowest yet?" He asked

He got his answer as I happy danced naked off the scale and into the dressing area....

So here are a few things that I discovered and/or figured out...

  1. I'm back on track
  2. I'm 3 pounds away from new numbers
  3. I'm only 20 pounds away from my next goal!
  4. I moved my BMI down a more than half of a percentage point! whOOt!
  5. Instead of being nearly TEN percentage points into obese I'm now NINE, lol (gotta grab 'em where I can!)
  6. I'm ever closer to my Kindle!!! (I promised myself that I would reward my efforts with a Kindle when I broke 200 with a Kindle, lol, not going to give into the urge to get one beforehand!)
  7. All this is giving me my passion back to really get moving on this again and THAT. Is the most important thing.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The funniest thing...

The funniest thing being that it was ironic, not that it was ha ha funny, was that I went to pay a visit to a friend's blog.  I hadn't been there for a while and I was struck by how raw a post she had done was.  We had pretty similar back grounds.

I was leaving a comment for her and for her right now she's dealing more with recovery, recovery of her own and her parent's recovery (even though they are deceased....there's a certain amount of recovery a child goes through when dealing with abuse and bringing together the child inside with the adult that now is)  it's a difficult concept to explain unless you've lived it.

So as I was leaving my comment I realized that I too am in recovery of sorts.  I've stated on the rare occasion that I am a recovering alcoholic.  While a true recovering alcoholic who has hit rock bottom would say "nope, you're not"....others who have been in my situation would say I am.  When I can talk more about this particular subject, I will.  Trust me.  You'll know it.

As for this particular recovery that I am in....I am in recovery right now.  The reason I say that is because I'm learning how to live again, I'm having to learn how to eat properly, I'm having to learn how to deal with my emotions because let's face it.  There is still the odd occasion where I don't know how to deal with my emotions so I will turn to my two best know the guys....Ben?  Jerry?  So I feel like that leaves me in a recovery state.  I've taken off a lot of weight.  I still have a lot to go.  I do not want to go back to where I was.  Ever.

But then you pick yourself up, you collect yourself and you look to see where you need to go to move forward to walk away from where you were to be away from it. Right now you have to realize it's okay to not necessarily know where you're going, just to know that you're not going back to where you were. Be resolute in that knowledge. That. Is the most important thing.

That.  Is the most important thing.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Funny Monday

It's been a while since I've posted a funny on Monday............personally I think this would be much funnier if it didn't hit so close to home.

But that's just me.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Blasting in my ears right now...

The past few weeks I've had a few songs blasting in my ears and I've gotten them (thankfully) onto the pod and into my playlist rotation to help the workout go a bit more fun and funky.  Hope you enjoy and have some fun!

As is my usual custom I like to mix it up with my music and have some old with the new.  One of the songs from my youth that we loved to dance to at the bars is an (now at least) oldie but a goodie!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

No product review today...

It's been a busy week getting back on track.  Next week I'll have a product review.  This week has been one where I've been in the doctor's office twice, reorganizing my desk (hooking up a new printer & monitor) and just moving forward from falling off track.

So I thank you for sticking with me as I regain my footing.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

It's Wednesday...

Well it's the dreaded weigh in day...

I think things are finally getting back to normal because I was a big fat LOSERRRRRR! lol

Given that over the past 7 weeks or so my weight has gone up and down more than a roller coaster it's nice to breathe a sigh of relief when the numbers are going down.  Now let's just hope that they'll be going down again next week! lol

However, I have good reason to refocus, The Wonder One and I have encouraged/inspired Queenie and The Wonder One's brother (Queenie and his brother are married for those keeping score) with The Wonder One's success (and mine too, marginal though they are) and so they are going on Weight Watchers as well.

So let the competition (unspoken though it is) begin! lol Which to be honest is going to help me tremendously, with The Wonder One having met his goal, I don't have anyone to compete with on a weekly basis, so it gets kinda lonesome when I weigh in, so it'll be nice to have that friendly rivalry with Queenie.

We'll have to have some sort of friendly stakes set up.  She's not needing to lose much and I have a lot more to go, especially since I had my set back there for *gasps* oh my nearly two months!  Yes, yes indeed I'm glad for the company!

Welcome aboard Queenie, enjoy the ride!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Something to think on...

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook page and of course I had to steal it (she knows I'm stealing it, so is it then really stealing....) and share it with you cheerleaders because I want your input....

So do me a favor and chime in and give me your feedback because I'd really like to know.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

It's Wednesday...

So here we are in the new year.  I'm sure all of us has made some resolutions and some of you have already broken them.  Some I know don't even make them to begin with due to the fact that they've had such a terrible time in the past to keep them.

For me, that's where I fit in, I don't usually make them because I have such a difficult time keeping them.  This year I thought I'd try a different approach.  My resolution this year was to learn how to swim.  Yep, you read it correctly, learn. To. Swim.

I'm sure you're wondering how it came to be that I've reached the age I am and don't know how to swim.  Well, you see, when I was five years old, I nearly drowned.  I'm not fearful of water, as a matter of fact I find it very calming.  However the two that contributed to my DNA felt that after that experience, I probably shouldn't learn to swim because I'll probably be to afraid of it.  The only time I'm afraid of the water is when I went with The Wonder One last summer up to Alum Creek State Park and got into the water and then my feet went out from under me.  I completely panicked and totally spazzed out.  I think however it was just panic mode that caused me to freak out the way I did.  Normally I'm just not one to panic.  That time however was different.

So here I am now wanting to make sure that, that never happens again.  As well I figured it would be good exercise which I need more of, as well as to help me get over my fear of going on a cruise.  No, I'm not ever planning on taking a cruise.  Personally, being locked onto a moving city with no place to go (in between ports of course) and not being able to see land (that's what I've determined to be my biggest fear, is not seeing land) is not my idea of a good time.  Nothing against those of you who do love to go on cruise's, it's just not for me.  I know, I know, how do I know it's not for me if I've never been on one.  Well let's just say it goes back to that thing about wanting to be able to see land.  However if it should come to pass that I want to learn shuffleboard and play bingo with the blue hairs, then in 20-40 years, I may consider it.  Until then, I'll just learn to swim and be happy with that.

So the swimming it is.  For the experience of learning something new.  To help expand my exercise routine and to not freak out should I lose my footing in the water. 

It's something I need to do because this week I was not a loser but a little bit of a gainer.  Which is okay, I think the holidays finally caught up to me to put me at 255.  I can live with that because we're in a new year and things are going to go smoothly.

I hope.